The final final

It’s 4 am in Beijing now. I am awake, and I don’t think I can sleep at all tonight. It might be the coffee that I had at dinner, or I am just very upset about the final.

Finals are always stressful, but this time, it is more. This is my last final in my entire school year. The very last one in 18 years. I have no idea what that means. I figure that this should be something, but I don’t know what it is. One of my writing problems is that I overuse words like this, that, and it too much. This can be really confusing, but I guess a lot of times, I don’t even know what it is (doing this again).

I am a little lost here, but so what? This is my blog, and it’s 4 in the morning.

I have been thinking about my commencement, stuff like what I will be wearing and who will be there. The fact is that nobody will be there on that day for whatever reason. Am I overreacting to this? My mom says they were their for my undergraduate commencement, and that is enough. I guess she is right. I am a big girl, and I can handle this myself.

It feels weird not to be a student any more. I guess I am just too used to it. Part of the reasons that I went to graduate school was that I could not abandon my student identity immediately after undergraduate. I am not particularly interested in communication, but I like being a student. The question is, why? I think it is the secure feeling. When you are a student, you are protected by the university. No matter how shitty you do in your life, there will always be a teacher/professor/school stuff to drag you out. One lesson that I have learned at work is that you have to be fully responsible for your behavior. When you do something wrong, you deserve all the terrible words against you.

The protection will be gone very soon. In 24 hours, I will submit the last project in graduate school, and I will do my last presentation a day later. It’s done. Part of me still miss being a student, tortured by demanding professors, but another part of me just can’t wait to work. Not sure if it is just me.

Anyway, it’s the final final. It’s time to say goodbye, to old me and to USC.

 


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